12 Pack Tuesday 07/09/13

Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

“All great change in America begins at the dinner table”
Ronald Reagan, once slept with a chimp…seriously

“In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism
governs forever and ever.”
Oscar Wilde, somehow still sounding gay after all these years

“If you give me the chance, I’ll destroy America for you”
Johnny Rotten, making threats he can’t back up since 1978

Let’s see, I arrive at Tap Studio’s around 7pm, I chat and plot out
the show, we start at 8pm, I talk for 2 hours, I drink beer, I rip my
throat to shreds impersonating Olin Ezra and what gets the biggest
laugh of the night…Kelly Tripuka.  The 12 Pack Tuesdays key to success
is Kelly Tripuka.  I would have chosen Bison Dele but then again I
always pick Bison Dele.
Well, Planks, The Force and I hoped you all had a sweet Fourth of July
weekend.  Sam was not in studio.  That is why there was no “We Got
Bitches”.  Only Sam and I get the bitches.  So instead I played the
country version of “Gin & Juice” which since I was in high school has
been attributed to 17 separate artists.  Everytime I downloaded that
song, I swear it was either Travis Tritt or Alan Jackson or Garth
Brooks or Brooks and Dunne.  Here is the thing.  It was The Gourds.
Who are the Gourds?  No fucking idea but they are the group that
recorded that cover.  It literally took me 1 internet search to find
this out.  The popular opinion on why Sam was missing was boobs but we
also sided with pussy on to why he wasn’t there.  In the end we were
all wrong as it was boobs AND pussy.  So, yeah, the Tudie Crue chatted
about our Fourth’s and how I kinda missed the fireworks ban.  Planky
noted about how his neighbor seems to aim his fireworks directly at
his house and the Force hated fireworks and people who love fireworks
and their children and their relatives and puppies and kittens and
popsicles and bacon cheeseburgers….well maybe not the bacon
cheeseburgers.

For the last few weeks Sam and I have gone head to head (or
Tete-a-Tete f you want to be all French and hate ‘Merica) over what
movie will own the box office on it’s opening weekend.  Let’s check
the last few weeks

WEEK 1:  Monsters University(JT) vs. World War Z(Sam).  Monsters U.
wins/JT Wins!

WEEK 2:  The Heat vs. White House Down(Sam & JT).  The Heat Wins/ we
are all losers

WEEK 3: The Lone Ranger(Sam) vs. Despicable Me 2(JT).  DS2 WINS!!!! JT
IS THE BEST!!!! SUCK IT LOSERS CUZ I KICK ALL ASS!!!!!! I PUT THE X IN
SEX!!!!! MY LOVES A MUSCLE AND YOU KNOW I’M GONNA FLEX!!!!!!!

Why does it always boil down to Kiss lyrics with me?

ANYWAY, I have been on a hot streak and this week we pit Pacific Rim,
a movie that looks fucking amazing versus Grown Ups 2, a movie that
makes people vomit-burp every time we mention it.  The Force, Planko
Breadcrumbs, and Sam all took Pacific Rim because it’s pretty obvious
it’s the superior movie.  I am counting on every mouth breather in the
world to fart their movie down the Adam Sandler suck machine.  The
first movie grossed over 200 million dollars.  That should be a joke
but it’s not.  I went to the Wikipedia page and sure enough after then
going to 7 (yeah seven) other box office sites the number hasn’t
changed.  $271, 430,189.  WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO SEE THESE MOVIES?
Well…actually…I am this week but as promised I will buy a Grown Ups 2
ticket but I will sneak in to Pacific Rim.  I have to back my horse in
this race.  Also, I haven’t snuck around a movie theater in years.
Oooooh and I’m a sneak in some snacks and booze.  And maybe if I’m
lucky me and me lady can sit in the back and I can get a popcorn
bucket “handy”.  H.J.’s in the house!!!!

31 years old and still getting excited about handjobs.  Maturity.
It’s what you make of it.

Boobs?  Boobs. (two word story) and also..
IT’S TIME FOR THE 12 PACK TUESDAY…HEROOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!

No Olin Ezra screams this week.
This week’s hero was handpicked by Sam even though he wasn’t there to
celebrate.  Madelyn Sheaffer had lost 100 pounds and wanted to show
off her hot new (well “new” she is 43 years old) body at “Adventure
Oasis”, a local waterpark.  Well, it seems Adventure Oasis is run by a
bunch of body nazi’s because Madelyn “hot tits” Sheaffer was thrown
out for wearing an outfit deemed “too revealing”.  Now we are
professionals here at the Tudies so we intently study this woman’s
body and found no problems with her bikini.  Plankster 5000 thought
she looked 61 years old in the face but said her boobs easily passed
for 23.  I will state this woman has quite a rack and as a dude who
dates a lady who has a tremendous rack I feel for her plight.
Sheaffer also said there were many younger women in similar outfits
who were not being targeted and maybe this is just a case of age-ism.
Maybe, but as stated earlier her tits easily passed for 23.  Just not
the face so much. In my opinion as long as everything is covered up
then everyone should calm down.  It’s a waterpark.  Ladies are going
to slut up a bit.  That shit is science.  You put some pools and a few
waterslides together and girls are going to put on skimpy bikini’s and
hang out.  In fact now I’m going to open a waterpark that demands you
rock your body.  Ladies better have their tits and asses out and dudes
gotta be rockin the nut huggers.  It will be called “Jimmy Tee’s Wet
and Way Down” or “Jimmy Tees’ Get Wet Park” or “Wet Bumps” or
“Aquapussy”.  Yeah…Aquapussy.  Oh and no kids allowed…I should mention
that.
This was a pretty stellar show, not lyin.  Oh and to the girl in the
chat room who may have left after I made a joke about dick pics.  I am
sorry if you left because I made a joke about you taking pictures of
my dick.  It could be worse.  You could actually take a picture of my
dick and believe me, that isn’t fun for anyone, myself included.

The Tude Crue also talked about a man who almost died from the P90X
workout system and we chatted about the ATF busting people using fake
drugs as bait.  Do you think Olin Ezra freaked out?  He did.  And then
I did my best “Olin Ezra on a rant so hard that he doesn’t breathe and
you can hear the air escaping him like a balloon yet he still refuses
to draw breath until he gets out every idea he has on the subject”.
That hurt just to type.  So yeah if you’d like to hear me almost die
on air listen back here on the olde podcats (yeah I know it says
PODCATS) and blog page.

Refusing to take off my Stars N Stripes thong until September,
El Guapo James T Poling LTD, SSX, CTV, BBC, ATV[powerpress]