12 Pack Tuesdays 07/16/13

Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

“It’s a habit of mine now, noticing labels, logos, and shoes”

                                                Michael Jordan, doesn’t notice he has a Hitler ‘stach

“Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world”

                                                Marilyn Monroe, having a killer rack also helps

“I grab my hat and I grab my shoes.  Tonight I’m gonna hit the street and cruise.  Down the main strip and check it out.  With those schoolgirls a hangin around”

                                                Brett Michaels,  should not hang out with schoolgirls

 Ha Ha.  Got Ya.

Ha Ha.  Got Ya.

Ha Ha.  Got Ya.

Ha Ha.  Got Ya.

Ha Ha.  Got Ya.

One zero zero zero zero one one zero one one one zero zero zero zero one zero one zero one zero zero one one one zero zero zero zero zero zero one zero one one one one zero.

          Well that wraps up at least an hour of last nights show that had Olin Ezra and me in a contest of “who is more heat-stroked/maybe drunk/stoned”.  For those of you who stuck out the storm that was the first 30 minutes of the show: thank you from 12 Pack Tudies Industries we hope to never again experience that type of meltdown. 

            But we did talk about scientists drinking earthen jizz water.  Yeah, some scientists found water that dates to 1-2.6 billion years old.  Doesn’t all water date back along time ago?  I mean it’s not like in 1976 everybody woke up and went “hey, where did all this wet shit come from?”, or did we?  Anyway, these “scientists” decided to start drinking the water and in a whole lot of words basically testified that they drank cum.  They say it’s salty and has a viscous quality like “a light maple syrup”.  Uh-huh, that’s cum.  Then I went on an Olin Ezra-esque rant (against the advice of my doctors) outlining the new order apocalypse.

1-     it wasn’t water they found it’s dragon semen.

2-     In drinking the Dragon sperm they now are carrying half human half dragon babies.

3-     The video game Skyrim isn’t a fanciful tale of old tyme-y myths…it’s a cautionary tale of our future.

4-     The Dragonborn are going to kill us all in a war for dominance of the planet.

5-     Only a hero can save us…a special type of hero …

 IT’S TIME FOR THE 12 PACK TUESDAY HERROOOOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!

           Kendra Villanueva and her BF Ian Gordon were enjoying some fireworks on the Fourth of July when fate intervened to give us a champion of earth.  You see, Kendra is super pregnant.  Like ready to pop out dat baby prego and I’m sure Kendra was happy that soon her baby would be delivered and the worry of any undue stress on the baby during the pregnancy would be over.  Nope.  Fate is a mutha fucka because Kendra and Ian were STRUCK BY LIGHTNING!!!!  ZEUS HAS CHOSEN YOUR BABY FOR GREATNESS!!!!  RISE O’ CHAMPION OF EARTH, HERO OF THE HUMANS, TAKE UP THE MANTLE APPOINTED TO YE BY THE GODS!!!!  That’s right Kendra Villanueva had to have an emergency c-section to hopefully save the baby…which they did.  The baby lived.  The fucking baby took lightning to it’s grill-piece and shrugged it off.  ALMIGHTY ZEUS HAS SPOKEN!!!!!! 

Crime has a new enemy “Shock Pellet” Gordon-Villanueva.  Or the WNBA has a new point guard.  She is like inhumanly fast.

Let’s check the scores so far for the 12 Pack Tuesdays at the movies

  SAM- 0 for 3

  JT-      2 for 3

 That’s right I am in the lead so far but last week Sam got dibs on surefire winner “Pacific Rim” and I was forced to back “Grown Ups 2” starring Adam Sandler, David Spade’s hairpiece, and the broken dreams of Chris Rock.  Yet, somehow I won.  Yeah, “Grown Ups 2” took the number 2 spot behind Despicable Me 2 and “Pacific Rim” came in 3^rd.  How did this happen?  Awesomesauce that’s how.  So for this week I we take R.I.P.D. vs. Turbo.  R.I.P.D.  is kind of like Men In Black with a young cop Ryan Reynolds) being recruited into an otherworldly police force and partnered up with a grizzled veteran (Jeff Bridges).  And let’s face it Ryan Reynolds is the new Will Smith and Jeff Bridges could pass for Tommy Lee Jones.  Turbo is an animated kids movie about a snail that gains supersonic speed and becomes a NASCAR sensation.  The lead snail Turbo is played by…….Ryan Reynolds.  Wow.  Way to be Hollywood.  Since Sam wasn’t in studio or available via chatroom I decided to take R.I.P.D. as my pick leaving him with Turbo.  I feel bad.  Sam is 0 for 4 so far.

              Do your shoes make you more attractive or less attractive?  That is the burning question as we pulled The Force and my lady Bridget (aka The Boobilest) in studio to talk about mens footwear.  Here is what we learned.

Slip-on Dress Shoes:  make you look like a date rapist in most situations

Loafers:  put a penny in them and you are ok as long as socks are also involved.  Bonus points if you put one of those “Buffalo Penis” nickels in the penny slot.

Flip Flops:  unless you are taking a shower in a public shower then avoid these at all costs!  Also these might make you look gay which is great if you are in fact gay.  Not so great if you are looking to bang ladies

Trendy Sneakers:  the Yahoo.com fashion bloggers were not a fan of trendy sneakers but The Force and The Boobilest seemed to not care so much.

Converse:  you are a totally okay dude…with a huge wang…and money lots of money…and handsome…and cool…and make good sexxxy times….(yes I wear chucks)

Lace Up Dress Shoes:  skip the date part you are a serial rapist.

Sandals:  socks or no socks you are still gross

Running Sneakers:  you lead an active lifestyle that no Tapdetroit girl would ever want a part of.  DRINK SOME WHISKEY YOU PUSSY!

 So there you go.  Advice to live by.  Wisdom to guide your path.  Aaaaaaaand fart noise.  Perfect.

      We ended the show with another Cosmo sex quiz but I will not post the findings here.  No sir, you’ve gots to listen once in a while to the show.  Ok I will say that Cosmo thinks I’m a “vixen on the verge”.  On the verge of what you ask?  On totally getting to third base with the catcher of the school baseball team!!!  WOOOHHHHOOOOO.  I’m totes going to Cabo for Spring Break next year and hooking up with all the hotties and none of the notties!!!!  CAAABOOOOO!!!!!

                    Standing in a limo, out of the sunroof, screaming at all the losers, with a bottle of cheap champagne,

                                    Magna Cum Loudly James T Poling, XXX, DP, ATM

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