Hangover Wednesday: Now With More Placebo-tine!!!

Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

“When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like ‘Oh, Shut up’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining”

                                                Glenn Beck, actually said this in 2005

“Satan’s mentally challenged younger brother”

                                                Stephen King, talking about Glenn Beck

“I SAID WHOSE BEEN PUTTING OUT THEIR KOOLS ON MY FLOOR!!!!”

                                Billy Ray Valentine, this will make sense later, I swear

          Every Sunday I sit and listen to the Sunday Tap line-up and I think there seems to be a huge difference between Sunday Planky and Tuesday Planky.  The secret?  Powerade and Lienenkugel beer.  Weird, right?

OOOOOOOHHHHHH SHIIIIT!!!  It’s time for HANGOVER WEDNESDAY!!!!! YES!  YES!  YES!  YES!  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!!!!

          Yeah, okay, I do not have the energy today to keep that up whilst I write.  Seriously.  Last night was a turbo charged edition of the Tudies.  With no Sam in the studio I feel like I have to provide no only my energy but a double dose for Sam’s energy.  Even Planky was screaming at things and then Olin popped in for no reason to yell at me.  For the love of blowjobs and handies I even yelled at Parsons!  Lovingly yelled, like when you yell at your gimp to get on all fours and lick your boots-type yelling.  Let’s get off this subject shall we?

          Hey Florida quit raping dogs!!!!!  Yes, during my research for hero of the week I found not one or two but three stories about men sexually abusing dogs.  Three!  And the first and third stories were the same guy.  He got arrested for dog rape spent a few nights in county was released and then busted the next week…sexing up a schnauzer.  *facepalm*.  Oh and as a treat everyone in the chat room (and sum1…SHOUT OUT!!!)  kept asking me to play the Disneyland song.  I thought they meant the theme of Disney “When You Wish Upon A Star” but in reality they were asking me to play “Diz Knee Land” by Dada.  I just watched the video today and I really wish I watched it on the air last night because it is the most 90’s video I have ever seen…here is a check list….

 

1. 1.      sepia tone everything
2. 2.      guy with long hair wearing a backwards baseball hat
3. 3.      band is on a stage in an abandoned theatre
4. 4.      weird artistic collages with skulls/flowers/baby doll heads/etc
5. 5.      Flannels!
6. 6.      nonsensical lyrics

It don’t get more 90’s than that.  As a treat listen back and here the new lyrics I wrote for “When You Wish Upon A Star”.

HEYDOYOUGUYSREMEMBERTHATGUYTHATDIDTHEMICROMACHINESCOMMERCIALSANDHETALKEDREALLYFASTLIKEALLTHEWORDSWERESTRUNGTOGETHERINASENTENCEWITHOUTSPACES…THATSHITISREALLYHARDTOREAD!!!!!

IT’S TIME FOR THE 12 PACK TUESDAY HEROOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!

          Joy Young had her baby when she was 22 (thank you Planky for the math on that one) and her baby in turn had a baby at 16.  Diamond LaCrystal Simmons is Joy Young’s 16 year old daughter.  Diamond had a baby but is still wanting to live the sweet life of the young and stupid.  Also the life of a stripper because nobody named Diamond has ever done anything else.  Except porn.  You can do porn if your name is Diamond LaCrystal.  In fact you win all time best porn name without making up a porn name.  You and Dick Butkus and Dick Trickle.  Sooooo yeah, Diamond was out partying leave grandmamma to pick up the parenting slack.  Joy Young, only 36 herself, wasn’t having it and got into an argument with Diamond LaCrystal and things went bad…like 80’s horror movie bad.  Like that guy who gets dumped in toxic sludge in Robocop bad. The olice were called and when they arrived they found Diamond LaCrystal covered in scratches and a large patch of blood on her shirt.  It seems Mama Young started to attack Diamond and in the fray nearly BIT OFF THE GIRLS NIPPLE!!!  Let that sink in…I’ll wait.

 You good?  Okay.  In the scuffle somehow Joy Young decided her only course of action was to bite her daughter and somehow the only available space was her DAUGHTERS titty.  No word on if the titty is forever ruined we can only hope not because that will destroyer her porn/stripper career.  Unless she sells herself as One Nipple Nadia.  Hey if they can make money on tentacle porn then one nipple lady porn is just another kink in the kink pile.

          The Russian government has placed a ban on what they call “Gay Propaganda” or basically “Gayness” and in return gays here in the states are calling for the world to boycott Stolichnaya vodka.  I have no problem banning Stoli because I am a Poopov man through and through.  The 100 proof fifths are only 12 dollars!!!  Also yes its’ spelled Poopov you just never noticed the extra O before but it is there.  You can taste it.  Anyway I felt it necessary to point out other times protesters and boycotters got it wrong.

          Way way back in the day day as we were beginning the Afghan/Iraq wars George W. Bush was trying to assemble his Coalition of The Willing and France straight up rejected us.  Cubbie’s restaurant took offense and started the trend of rebranding French Fries as FREEDOM FRIES!!!!!  ‘Merica!!!!.  Also Freedom Toast.  Because nothing says America like high cholesterol.  Side Note:  Goldies Saloon (just north of Hall rd. on Romeo Plank in Macomb) still offers Freedom Fries.

          Glenn Beck took aim at Levis Jeans after their “Go Forth” campaign launched in 2009.  Beck called the ads “glorified revolution” and asked his faithful fans to boycott the denim brand.  Around this same time Beck launched his own denim company 1791 Denim.  Actually they were up and operating 11 months prior to the Levi’s outrage and many feel the boycott was just a marketing ploy by Glenn Beck to start up a buy spree on his .line of denim that he never failed to mention when talking about Levis.  Beck said it was good American denim for good American people…for 129.99 a pair of jeans.

 Recently Martin Luther King III has asked for people to boycott any Florida orange juice as a way to boycott the Trayvon Martin/ George Zimmerman trial/verdict.  Seriously dude?  Your father was a leader in the civil rights movement and the voice of a generation of black Americans. He led the fight that brought about real change in policy and in white American thinking.  He was a hero and was cut down for his cause.  You are asking people to stop drinking orange juice from Florida because the verdict in a JURY trial didn’t go the way you wanted?  Sit down and shut the fuck up the grown ups are talking.

          And no that isn’t me commenting on how I feel about the trial or the verdict that’s me telling a stupid man he is stupid.  “Hey, the economy is still shaky as hell and the American farming industry is terrible.  Let’s boycott a major cornerstone of our stock market because I don’t like that some asshole basically got away with murder.”  Great idea…idiot.  Also is it bad that the only reason I know oranges are a major commodity on the stock exchange is from “Trading Places” starring Dan Ackroyd and Eddie Murphy?  “WHOSE BEEN PUTTING OUT THEIR KOOLS ON MY FLOOR!”

There was more fan fiction this week.  I don’t want to talk about it.  Still feel dirty.  Moving on.

           Welp, hopefully Sammy shows up next week and we can act like two caged gorillas in a death match for the only hot piece of gorilla poon left in the zoo.  I promise no more fan fiction.  Unless Sam wrote some.  Then more fan fiction but after that no more fan fiction…I promise.

              Already writing more fan fiction,

                    Poet Laureate Lorenzo Lamas James T Poling DDT, STF,5SFS

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