Crystal Clear Hangover Wednesday

Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

“Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn’t matter to me.  Going to bed at night saying we’ve done something wonderful, that’s what matters to me.”

        Steve Jobs, probably still ended up being the richest man in the cemetery

 

“I’m a guy’s guy.  I don’t comb my hair unless I have to, and I don’t use lotion or fancy shampoos”

            Ashton Kutcher, currently at Sephora looking for mascara

 

“Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed.  I am not a fan of books.  I would never want a book’s autograph.”

           Kanye West, needs an assistant to tell him how a book works

            What the hell happened to Crystal Clear Pepsi?  I know this question is easily 20 years late but seriously what happened?  1992 James T. Poling fucking loved the CCP.  I can remember going on bike rides with a chilly 20oz of CCP in my water bottle holder feeling like a boss.  Wait….googling……yep it tasted horrible…pulled from the market within a year of it’s launch.  If anything it taught us that Van Halen can sell you fart scented fish nuggets with the right song.

RIGHT NOW!  HEY!  IT’S YOUR TOMORROW!  RIGHT NOW!  C’MON!  IT’S EVEEERYTHAAAAANG!!!

Easy Hagar it’s a clear soda.  It’s not like you cured cancer.  Calm your jets.  

Poops + Fartz + rubber cocks x queefs = IT’S TIME FOR THE 12 PACK TUESDAY HEEEEROOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!

           Ugh these people.  I try as hard as I can to leave these assholes out of my newsfeed but every once in awhile they do something so amazing ego-tastical that I have no choice.  Kim Kardashian and Kanye West (and by default their baby North West).  Rumor is goin’ ‘round that Kim and Kanye recently spent over $1 million on an armored SUV to protect their baby.  The Prombron Iron Diamond by Dartz Motors is an armored, bullet proof, bomb proof, kidnap proof SUV that is mostly sold to 3^rd world dictators, heads of Russian cartels, and rich white dudes who visit anywhere in the Middle East.  Kim and Kanye bought one to keep their baby safe.  Yeah, their baby is soooooo important and such a target they need armored transport.  Let’s sit and let that one marinate for a sec.  Kim Kardashian, the worlds biggest fame whore, a woman who can’t leave the house without a press release, film crew, Twitter blast, Facebook update, script, and at least 7 assistants is buying an armored SUV to protect her baby.  Maybe Kim you should QUITE INVITING THE PAPPARAZZI TO EVERYTHING YOU DO!!!  IT’S NOT LIKE THEY NEED TO STALK SOMEONE WHO BROADCASTS HER WHEREABOUTS VIA HER AGENT!!!!!  This is the problem with the new celebrity ego.  You make a career out of being a talentless shit.  You basically invite cameras into every aspect of your life.  You call TMZ to let them know everywhere you will be that day but then after you’ve made millions on this Shit-Cycle you want it to stop.  Guess what?  It doesn’t stop.  And now your baby is part of it.  Oh, and Kanye West is a dick.

           Hey girl.  Would you be interested in a 12 inch hulk penis?  Maybe?  No?  Yes?  Please say no?  An artist designed a line of “Avengers” based vibrators and since I had The Force and the love o’ my life Bridget The Boobilest in studio used them as a focus group of sorts on whether or not they would buy them.

Captain America- just your basic vibrator but the girls liked the aesthetic of the design.

ron Man- a twin motor vibe…the ladies seemed interested.

Thor- it was super girthy and had “lightning veins” on it, also it was designed to have a electric stimulator soooo it shocks your vag….the ladies were a tad apprehensive about that.

Hawkeye- eh, just like in the movie…nobody cared about Hawkeye

Black Widow- eh, just like in the movie, unless the tits were out nobody cared about Black Widow.

The Hulk- a 12” giant monster dildo with a suction cup bottom.  The Force thought it would be fun to throw around.  Not in her vagina but actually throw at walls to get it to stick.  Bridget was terrified at the prospect of putting it in her vagina which for those keeping score means I do NOT have a 12” monster wang.  I wanted one to club people over the head with it and steal their wallets.  Nobody wants to tangle with a guy holding a massive green dildo.  Fact.

Tudies Life Hack #33-a sub section Q:  Putting grated parmesan cheese on microwave popcorn is a tasty treat. 

          This week for our Summer Movie Battle Royale we pitted the Steve Jobs movie versus Kick Ass 2.  Let’s have a run down

Kick Ass 2:  Kick Ass 1 was a fairly well received movie despite the fact it starred Nicholas Cage (spoiler alert!!!! He dies).  The sequel definitely ramps up the action and star power with Jim Carrey joining the cast.  Of course Jim Carrey has now come out to say he doesn’t like that the movie is so violent.  Ugh, fucking Hollywood.  Anyway Kick Ass 2 looks to be late summer hit and the first Kick Ass probably would have done better but The Force pointed out she thought the movie was more kid friendly when she first saw the previews but upon watching it realized it was more of a adult title.

JOBS:  Listen, Apple fanboys and fangirls will probably flock to see this movie.  The Facebook movie reigned supreme for 2 weeks as number 1.  The only big drawback is Ashton Kutcher plays Steve Jobs.  Yeah, that Ashton Kutcher.  Like married Demi Moore and created Punk’d Ashton Kutcher.  Somehow during the show we had a very loooong talk about Demi Moore.  Somethings were said and secretly I puuled up pics of her from “Striptease”.  Crazy or not Demi Moore had a nice rack.

           There is one problem that arose last night as a result of Olin Ezra’s and my girlfriend being on the show.  They are girls and if we listen to the market research then girls love taking quizzes about sex, boys, relationships, boys, sex, boys, makeup, purses, boys, and sex.  They also like to read about celebrity hairdo’s.  So I will give you the 5 questions and answers and results from…….

COSMO QUIZ TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are You Way Too Good For Him Quiz.  (Great.  Well I’m screwed thanks a lot Cosmo)

1 – During a hookup with a cute guy you like, you glimpse his gorilla like hairy back.  What’s your reaction?

            The Force picked – you focus on what you dig about him

            Bridget picked – you feel physically nauseous and make up an excuse to go home

            Weird option- who cares it’s not like you’re Miss Perfect

2 – Quick!  What is the best thing about your boyfriend?

            The Force picked- he always shows up for dates on time (Olin has no car)

            Bridget picked- the sweet way he treats me (that’s right fuckers!!!)

            Weird option- his seriously sexy abs of steel

3 – if your guy says something that pissed you off, you would want him to mend things by…

            Both picked- sit down and talk it out.

            Weird option- he buys you roses or diamond earrings

4 – Your coworker wants to set you up with one of her fiance’s single friends.  You ask her…

 

            Both picked- why do you think he is a good match for me?

            Weird option- there really wasn’t a weird one here

5 – When your on a first date how do you determine if the evening is going well?

 

            Both picked- we really click and have a lot in common (which is correct for all humans..right?)

            Weird option- he takes me out to a fancy expensive restaurant for filet mignon.

           Okay so those were some pretty good answers from what I could tell both ladies sided more with feelings and attraction than with money or pure physical lust lets’ see what Cosmo thought…

 SUPERFICIAL SEARCHER:  You assess guys like purses, judging them on how cute they are or how much they’re worth. Prioritizing a chiseled bod is fine for a fling but hinders live, says Allen Berger, PhD, author of Love Secrets Revealed. “If your personalities don’t mesh, you’ll get bored.” And if he loses his job (or six-pack), there’s no glue keeping you together. To get in tune with what matters, “have a pal set you up with a guy you have a lot in common with, and focus on that,” suggests Berger. Once you see how thrilling it is to connect emotionally and intellectually, the superficial stuff will seem secondary.

           We did a little research and found that Allan Berger PHD is obsessed with his PHD and also is a Nam vet who hates women.  Also a lot on his website about his dead father which, I’m not hating on anyone who still grieves a lost loved one but I mean every page starts with “when my father died” or “my dead father used to say”.  I started to feel creepy.  We also tried to get a different result on the quiz and answered with different answers and it took 5 times to not get called SUPERFICIAL SEARCHERS.  I got called a Low Standards Lover.  Has Cosmo seen the Boobilest.  If anything she settled for me.  I reached for the stars and got really, really lucky.  She dropped her guard for a second and got trapped in my love dungeon. 

            Well that was the show for the most part.  I still have to say hopefully Sam will be around soon.  The man brings crazy energy to the show and by no way am I dissing Plankey or The Force or The Boobilest.  They bring their views, opinions and whatnot to the show and I love them for it.  Well, maybe next week.

 Soundproofing the walls to his love dungeon and adding more spikes to his codpiece,

                    Do-MAN-atrix James T Poling, A2M, DVDA, PSSY

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