Sweet Jimmy & Buttercream Present: Hangover Wednesday

Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

“I used to be the fast food connoisseur, and now I’ve really lost my taste for it.”

                                                            Holly Madison, has giant fake tits

“It seems as though there’s a battle going on between the public and all the fast-food establishments, and believe me, I think it’s very tasty food.”

                                          Regis Philbin, doesn’t give a fuck what you think

“We don’t wolk.  We overeat because we’ve made it easy to overeat.  We have fast food joints on every corner”

                                                           Dr. Oz, is obsessed with your poop

           Coming this fall to ABCFamily is a story about two friends just trying to make ends meet in a tough world.  Sweet Jimmy is a pimp with a heart of gold and a sweet nature.  Buttercream is his assistant pimp with a sassy attitude and a mean pimp hand.

 Sweet Jimmy & Buttercream, bitches better have their money……Tuesdays @8pm.

          Now imagine Plankey wearing an all white suit with lacy ruffled cuffs.  A white floor length fur coat with a matching fedora with a giant red feather.  Now imagine me wearing a floor length coat absolutely covered in rhinestones (COVERED) a purple suit with neon green pinstripe.  Sweet Jimmy and BUTTERCREAM!!!!!!

          God, we would make so much money.  Soooooo, yeah, we had a show last night…stuff happened…teenagers were pimped out….landlords peeping tommed their renters.  Wait yeah lemme elaborate.

         William Anthony Raber of Florida leased a room out of his home THAT HE SHARED WITH HIS WIFE.  But when his new roommate borrowed his computer she found videos of herself naked walking around her room.  Yeah, dude set up a camera in the room he was renting and probably jerked off to the videos.  Eeeeeeeewwwwww.  Oh and for good measure there was also a bunch of kiddie porn.  Fucking gross.  So you are a peeping tom/pedophile.  Great combo.  Also, you got married?  When in your time of peeping and creeping did you find a wife? Billy Tony Raber may have been a gross perv but was an excellent time manager.

 Now, amazingly that wasn’t the hero of the week….speaking of the hero of the week

IT’S TIME FOR THE 12 PACK TEUSDAY HERRROOOOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!

           Montia Parker of Minneapolis, Minnesota.  You see, Montia (18 years old) was a former cheerleader in her High School and wanted to reach out to the younger girls and help them through what I imagine is not an easy process.  The Force backed me up on this one because THE FORCE WAS A HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADER!!!!! WHAT!!! THE!!!! FUCK!!!!!!

GO TEAM!!!!

           So Montia Parker found a 16 year-old student at her former high school and took her under her wing.  And by under her wing I mean under her thumb.  And by under her thumb I mena she started pimping the 16 year-old out via the internet.  Now, in today’s slangy culture pimping out really can mean anything from making someone do their housework to…..no, Montia Parker was setting up tricks for this 16 year-old to turn.  In their first endeavor Parker drove her ho to an apartment complex in the area and had the girl suck some weird guys dick for $60.  In the official police report Parker states that she kept all $60 and gave none to her bitch.  Seriously?  You didn’t do anything.  You drove the car and set up the date.  Sweet Jimmy & Buttercream do not approve.  You give your bitches a taste.  ANYWAY, Parker then began setting up more tricks and on the second date the very next day the 16 year-old denied to engage in the services the JOHN wanted.  To be fair this girl had professionally only sucked 1 dick sooooo whatever weird shit this guy wanted I don’t think this poor girl was ready for.  This all came to light when the young ho’s mother became suspicious of her daughters recent changes in mood and checked her cell phone which contained text conversations between the girl and Montia Parker.  Here is a completely made up piece of their conversation

 PARKER: Bitch, you better getcha ass out onda streets and make me some money!

HO: uuummm, no. those dudes were totes grosso

 PARKER: I sez BIIIIIITCH!!!!!!!! get out and get them riches less I gots ta lay hands on ya!!!!

HO: I seriously have to get my biology homework done or Mr. Cloyd is gonna tear me a new one.

 PARKER: Stank ass ho, Mr. Cloyd is your next trick and he IS going to tear you a new one cuz he paid to tear you a new one.  Now hit the streets and flap them meats!

Man, you would never catch Sweet Jimmy using that type of language.  Yeah, Montia Parker now faces one count each of 1^st degree soliciting of a minor to practice prostitution, 1^st degree sex trafficking of a minor, and 1^st degree promotion of prostitution of a minor but refused a plea deal of 45-60 months.  I have a feeling this is going to go bad for Montia Parker. 

           We all do it.  Not IT but we…well maybe we all do IT but I’m not talking about that right now you dirty little tramp, I’m talking about fast food.  It sucks in general but we all succumb to its neon dance eventually.  You’re innocently driving along the road and bam there it is.  Like a beacon from gastronomy hell, just calling you in with its siren song of grease spatter and deep fried goodness.  The geniuses over at BUZZFEED compiled what they said is the 39 grossest fast food chains ranked from grossest to least gross.  Now mind you they aren’t saying that any of these places are bad but more in the thought of what is the “so bad it’s awesome” or “it looks like shit but tastes like angel tits”.

The Tippy Tops

10.Jimmy John’s- eh, we all agreed that JJ is okay

9.Starbucks- they have food now and yes it is pretentious and overpriced

8.Tim Horton’s (American)- the are kinda gross and The Force had a point that after 9am they only ever have one employee working.

7.Sonic- everyone loves sonic and the tots but I actually rather eat gas station sandwiches (exception: breakfasts)

6.Del Taco- it’s not terrible but your colon and asshole would beg to differ.

5.Qdoba Mexican Grill- Plankey gor reeeeal excited about Qdoba.

4. Moe’s Southwest Grill- yeah because we have those

3.Five Guys- listen it’s a pretty good burger and the fries (when done correctly) are good but the hype far outweighs the product.

2.In-n-Out- yeah, because we also have those…assholes

1.Chipolte- not a lot of folks have eaten here.  I think I was the only one with Chipolte experience last night in the booth or in the chat room.  It’s big ass burritos.  They’re good but Burrito Mundo (Mack ave. just south of Cook rd.) is far better.  Side Note: upon finding their location I discovered they are temporarily closed due to a fire….sorry if you are reading this after I went on and on about how good those burritos are.

 The Bottom of the Barrel

10.Nathan’s Famous- I know in Michigan you can buy packs of their hot dogs in the grocery store but we official don’t have a chain here sooooo fuck Nathan’s Famous…CONEY DOGS!!!!

9.Dairy Queen- they have food that’s cooked on a brassiere or something like that

8.Panda Express- “Free chicken! Hey, you wanna try free chicken.  Free samples!” #everyPandaExpressyoueverhavewalkedby

7.Boston Market- Baaahstin Maaaahhhhhhket.  Honestly I have never eaten at one but Plank-o aka Buttercream and The Force aka SparkleTang gave it one thumbs up.

6.Quizno’s- Kinda greezy for a sub shop but people seem to dig it.

5.Roy Rogers- again we don’t have them but as far as I could tell it was like a combo Hardees/Arbys with burger and roast beef sandwiches

4.Subway- now I didn’t get putting Subway in the top 5 for grossest.  The Force made a few good points as for maybe why but overall I think whoever wrote this is kind of a dick who hates Subways.

3.White Castle- if food turns your butt into a methane pump it is not good for you.  I knew a guy whose dad had to sleep on the couch if he ate White Castle because his wife wouldn’t put up with the farts.

2.Blimpie- Here is why this makes sense to me.  Plankey describes the Blipmie he goes to in these exact words…”it’s right there in the Walmart”…nuff said.

1.Rally’s/Checkers- FUCK YOU BUZZFEED!!!!!  Rally’s is ambrosia from the gods.  Chili Cheese seasoned fries?  Loaded Fries with bacon, ranch, and cheese sauce?  The bacon rod house burger?  The Philly Cheesesteak burger?  You are a bunch of crunchy granola hippie shits that probably shop at Whole Foods and drink Kombucha.  Fuck you and the natural organic horse you rode in on.  My horse has eaten nothing but growth hormone and steroids and will get up on it’s hind legs and punch you in the FACE!!!!!

Amazingly, I did not stop for Rally’s on my way home.

                Wondering if bovine growth hormone would work for a horse,

                                         Ranchhand James T Poling, Horselord & Saviour

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