12 Pack Tuesdays 11/05/13

Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

“Yeah, I know I’m ugly…I said to a bartender “Make me a zombie”..he said “God beat me to it.”

Rodney Dangerfield, can’t get no respect

“The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of scotch”

WC Fields, respected drunk ass

“Aruba, Jamaica, oooh I wanna take ya”

The Beach Boys, got paid a ton of money to make a song about the tropics

 

They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder and that the heartache of separation is easily mended by the warmth of a tearful reunion.  None of that happened upon my return.  Plankey gave me a blank stare, The Force rubbed on her iPhone, and OE ran by me and said “Hi” on his way to the Tapdetroit.com coffee (crack) pot….*sniff*…I love you guys too.

Yep, almost 6 weeks or so since 12 Pack Tudies had a proper live show.  I did hear that Plankey and The Force tried to put a Non-JT sanctioned episode together but Plankey melted under the pressure….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA TOLD YA BITCH MY JOB AIN’T EASY!!!!!!!!  It feels good to be back in the saddle (side saddle, I’m a lady) and hopefully I never take that long of a break again.  Or at least I hope I don’t get arrested again because that’s really the problem.

So has anyone ever actually watched the movie “Cocktail?  I have never seen it until Monday when (due to Michigan law I’m not allowed to drive a car sooooooo I’m stuck inside a lot lately) it popped on some random Showtime channel and MY GOD what a fucking wreck.  First of all, fucking flair bartending is the main theme of the entire movie.  Let that one sink in…dudes making cocktails all while being impossibly charming to an array of 80’s adult rock hits.  That’s basically it.  If you ever need suicidal motivation go watch Tom Cruise make a velvet hammer to Steve Winwood songs all while thrusting about.  Oh wait I forgot the actual premise!!!  Tom Cruise is some New Jersey Jerkhole trying to make it big in NYC in advertising.  He has no degree or formal training, no experience in advertising, just a jersey jerkhole with moxy.  Somehow he does not get a job in a Fortune 500 company (What!??!!?!)  and is forced(?) to bartend at a shitty bar where he meets the Buddha of bartending played by the Irish guy from  the F/X series of movies that are famous for their extensive use of Brian Dennehy.  And then heHOW MANY SENTENCES CAN I WASTE ON THE PLOT OF COCKTAIL!!!!!!!!!I AM OFFICIALLY THE WORST!!!!!!!  Mostly I just marveled at the fact that this movie was hot as shit in the 80’s yet upon seeing it, I found out that it is terrible.  Also, SHOW YOUR TITS ELIZABETH SHUE!!!!!!!!

One more snippet about Cocktail and I swear I’m done:  The theme song “Kokomo” makes you believe that the film is all about tropical islands but the movie takes maybe 15 minutes of it’s time in Jamaica.  Fuck you, Kokomo.

 

There’s a rumblin’ deep in the arcane forests of Azrinoir.  The massive golden bells of Glorithshire have rung their war cry…IT’S TIME FOR THE 12 PACK TUESDAY HERRRROOOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

AND THIS WEEK IT’S A 2-FER!!!!!!!

Steve Orville Clemons was hungry for a burger and decided instead of going through the hassle of making one himself, would settle for a cheap fast food burger.  I mean the man is 69 (69!) years old.  His tastebuds are for shit so their really is no difference.  Orvy went through the MacDonald’s drive-thru and ordered.  That’s probably when a brilliant idea went through his head.  As the drive-thru girl sorted out his change, Orvy, with the speed of a man half his age, went half chub amd removed his pants to start a fast food penis flagellation-fest.  Yep, Orville started whackin’ in plain view of this fast food hussy.  Now this is all well and good but Orvy wanted more and proceeded to grab the girls hand and started to drag her into the car, closer to the nexus of penis hexxus.  She did not have that shit.  After what I imagine was an easy struggle (Orville is 69 (69!) years old) she called the cops…bitch.  Sidenote: this was in Florida

Robert Deck is a well respected optometrist in Orion Township, Michigan (local!) who apparently, much like our buddy Orville, hasn’t heard of the internet or webcam girls, because Robby decided to take a lady into his private office and give her an eye test with his penis…which doesn’t bode well for the size of his penis, right?  The unnamed woman says that upon entering his office, Deck pulled out his porksword and started jerkin the gherkin in front of her.  What’s the end game with these dudes?  Best case scenario is sex.  Is that worth the amount of risk?  Eye Doctor Guy?  Best case is that you bang a skank, cuz only skanks positively respond to random wanking.  Orvy?  Best case is an awkward handy from a bad angle with zero eye contact.  In reality you go to jail.  Which I will testify…jail sucks.

OOOOOH CANADA!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE A NEATO LAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!YOU HAVE A LOT OF TREE’S AND STRIPPERS ARE ALLOWED TO SHOW BEAV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Canada: Buttercream approved

Rob Ford is the mayor of Toronto.  Rob Ford has admitted to smoking crack.  He did add that he did it during an I fucking swear to god quote “a drunken stupor”.  Not only that but he mentions that there are many times in his life that he is in a drunken stupor and does things that are out of his control.  Hmmmmmmmmm….BEST MAYOR EVER!!!!!!!!  If he loses his Toronto gig he can easily become the mayor of the Russell.  I mean the balls it takes to admit to your constituency that you get drunk a lot and are easily coerced into crack smoking?  BALLS.  Big Brass cojones.  If he were a Mexican wrestler I would call him El Oso Testiculares Grandes (Big Bear Balls).  I know that DC mayor Marion Berry smoked crack back in the day but Berry lost his job.  Rob Ford won’t even consider leaving his post.  EL OSO TESTICULARE GRANDES FROM THE TOP ROPE!!!!!

In other Canadian news I believe they beat us at our own game.  Plankey disagreed but The Force and I seemed on the same page for this.  Awhile back, Lay’s potato chips had that new flavor thingy that yeilded some intersting AMERICAN results.

Cheesy Garlic Bread

Sriacha

Chicken N Waffles

Those are some pretty choice flavors and everyone in the studio at one point or another tasted the new flavs.  Planks like the Cheesy Garlic Bread (hated the Sriacha) and I dug on the Chicken N Waffles.  WEll, Canada had the same contest but with (what I feel) was far better results.

Creamy Garlic Caeser

Maple Moose

Perogi Platter

Grilled Cheese Sandwich & Ketchup

WHY DID CANADA GET 4 AND WE ONLY GET 3…LAY’S?

If there are any people reading this who live in Canada my email is gogeezorgohome@gmail.com and I will pay to get those chippies!!!!!!!!!

Well kids, a lot more happened, Boss Murda (Mossburger) showed up, Olin showed me a picture of a blood lake that I decided I wanted to go to only to throw out the one-liner “who had their period?”  , more gross shit happened.  All in all a triumphant return to the Tudies.

buying a box of jumbo maxi pad and tampons,

Col. James T. Poling, M&M, OPP, Yeah You Know Me

 

 

 

 

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