Gettin It Wet! Hangover Wednesday

Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

“If anything is sacred, The human body is sacred”

Walt Whitman, wisely whittling witticisms

“I think the human body is beautiful, and I don’t really have a huge problem dealing with it”

Andie MacDowell, waiting by a phone hoping Hollywood calls

“Teas’n, Pleas’n, yeah give the dog a bone.  Teas’n Pleas’n, roll over baby hang up the phone.”

Jason MacMaster, you must be bad in bed if you have to tell her to hang up the phone during the actual sex

Do you guys remember that scene in the movie “Scream” when Rose McGowan gets stuck in the garage door and the stupid masked killer hit the switch and the door folded her up like a taco?  Man, her tits looked good in that scene….good times, man…good times.

POKIES!

Sadly, this week I did not stop at Taco Bell after the show which means I didn’t get to play Taco Bell Lottery and I did not win $3’600.00 unlike those peeps up in Kentwood, Michigan.  Sam and I ruminated on whether or not we should/would have returned the cash or would of made an actual run for the border and just kept the money.  I suggested the manager buy a satchel and write “MONEY BAG” on it.  Sam realized this was a terrible idea.  Then I giggled a lot.  That seems to happen quite a few times in this episode.  Heheheheheheheheheehehhehheeeheheeeeheeeheheehehe.  I am a child.

My neighbor had a puppy and that puppies name was

THE 12 PACK TUESDAY HEROOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!

So this week AHOPCWODCHWDOCHOCHSFHOHFVHFLVHFVKFVV;V [VOHFVHF  FVOHFEV FVHJOFNO 0[ VVJER[0UVJFVOFJOV!!!!!!!!

Whoa!  Sorry about that but Olin Ezra just went King Kong Bundy in the studio.  Listen back, I will wait.

 

See.  I told you.  Dude threw a fucking chair across the room.

This week we travel to Virginia.  A state known for it’s tobacco and CIA operatives.  I WILL STEAL THE NOC LIST!  EVEN IF I HAVE TO CRAWL THROUGH DUCT WORK, BYPASS A LAZER GRID, HANG FROM WIRES, REGULATE MY BODY TEMP AND NOISE LEVEL, THEN STAGE A FIRE TO COVER UP MY ESCAPE!!!!!!  Well there is also another, lesser known, entity; The Alcohol Beverage Control Division (ABCD) and they suck at their job.  Apparently the ABCD stake out local convenience stores to shut down any sales to minors.  Elizabeth Daly, student of the University of Virginia, was in her car leaving a convenience store when her car was swarmed by six, (count the mutha fuckas) six plainclothes agents of the ABCD.  One agent even felt it necessary to jump on her hood, gun drawn, and scream at her to shut the car down.  Daly and her friends were completely freaking out as agents tried to break out her windows.  Elizabeth Daly finally exited the car in which agents claim she “grazed” 2 agents.  Grazed?  This is all over the fact that Daly had bought beer and is only 20 years old.  Except she didn’t buy any beer.  She bought a 12 pack of sparkling water that the ABCD agents mistook for beer.  Now here is where the ABCD should of let her go and hoped to god she wouldn’t sue the state.  Nope.  The ABCD charged her with 2 counts of assaulting an officer and 1 count of eluding police.  Yep, Olin and Sam were about as shocked as you are right now.  I hope to god this girl sues the shit out of the ABCD.  Seriously?   You didn’t double check the intel?  Amateurs.  Tom Cruise does not approve ABCD.

I found out that Sam wants to make porno’s under the name Billy Biscuits.  That has to be the worst name in porn.  “Stuffin The Corn Hole Muffin w/ Billy Biscuits” does have a nice ring to it though.  This all came out as we retold the story of former Olympian Suzy Favor Hamilton who has been a high priced call girl for the last year.  Why is she a high priced call girl you ask?  Did she need the money? Nope.  She is quoted as saying it was for the excitement.  That is the best answer!!!!!!  I think I would be called Dirk Stiglitz and I would do weird things in bed.  A South Miami Tubinado Split?  $400.  A Shark Fin Sandwich?  $235.  Pudding Pop Butt-Splosion? Oh boy maybe like $680?  I dunnmo lemme call my pimp.  Anyway, Girlfriend got caught because she started letting it slip who she really was to her johns.  Rookie mistake.  Also she used the name Kelly Lundy as her call girl name.  That is worse than Billy Biscuits.  We tried to get Planky to make up a gigolo name but he could not…or would not…maybe he should not.

Hey remember that time Sam said White House Down would beat The Heat in it’s opening weekend?  What an idiot!

Oh wait I did too?  What the fuck was I thinking!!!!!????!!!

Yeah we both fucked ourselves good and proper.  Never again will we pick the same movie. It’s like betting on the Detroit Lions.  They will always fuck you.

This week I pit The Lone Ranger vs. Despicable Me 2.  then I went on a loooooong rant about Johnny Depp and how I hate Johnny Depp.  I mean, he plays the same fucking character in every movie now.  “The Lone Ranger” is basically “Capt. Jack Sparrow: Now He’s An Indian”.  And what about the poor bastard who roped the role of the Lone Ranger only to find out that the movie is more about Tonto and now you, the TITLE CHARACTER, are playing second fiddle to some old asshole jumping around with a bird super-glued to his head?  Also fuck that bird!!  What in god’s name is with the fucking bird?  I have seen a lot of things in relation to Native American traditions and sticking a bird in your hair was never covered in the texts.  Ahhhh, I feel better.  Sooooo Sam picks The Lone Ranger and I pick Despicable Me 2.

The Score So Far:

Sam The Guy (no longer a bartender): 0 wins/ 2 losses

James T. (the human manatee): 1 win/ 1 loss

Oh the majestic sea cow.  So graceful.  So serene.  That is until it refuses to move out of the way of your speed boat and you brain the dumb beast with the boat you use to smuggle cocaine into the country with.  What? Nobody else?

Have you ever wondered out of James T, Sam, and Planky which one of us has the higher sex IQ?  Well put those fears at ease because last night we took a Cosmo Sex Quiz and the results were…well pretty much exactly where you figured they would be.

Sam had the best results out of the boys in the studio with 11 of 14 correct

Planky and James T tied for dead last with 9 of 14 correct

And I forget if it was Wenchy or Shuddermom who scored 12 of 14 but they won handily.  It sucks to think that I have the same sex IQ as Planky.  Thanks a lot Dungeons and Dragons!!!!  Of course I did plunder a few dungeons in my day if you know what I mean.  I literally was plundering dungeons.  Hey, Dwarven armor fetched a pretty penny in the Nivelrealm and I needed a bloodstone Vorpal Sword to defeat a Thractrarian Goliath Dragon.

Dungeoning and Dragoning,

Dirk Stiglitz, DVDA, DP, A2M, BDSM