DAMN YOU SHERRY GOLDFARB!!! Hangover Wednesday.

Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

“Love is a serious mental disease”

Plato, not to be confused with Forko or Spoono

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease”

Bill Maher, has been comedy free since 2003

“The remedy is worse than the disease”

Francis Bacon, said that to every girl he nailed

In a lot of ways last night’s episode could be compared to the Hulk Hogan movie “Suburban Commando”.  A fish out of water tale about an intergalactic warrior from outer space who crash lands on Earth and helps out a weakling architect all while being hunted by bounty hunters.  Is it sad that I had to Wikipedia the plotline to Suburban Commando?  Remember that scene when the bounty hunters use a freeze ray on Hulk Hogan and as the smoke clears Hulk is drinking something and clearly hasn’t been frozen and the bounty hunters look all like “hey, why is dis guy not frozen and such?” and Hulk gives them this angry stare and says “ANTI-FREEZE!!!”? COMEDY!!!!

Let’s see what happened last night…..uuuuuuhhhhh…..huuuuuhhhhh…stuff.  Stuff definitely happened.  Wait!  It was super hot in the studio and sweat kept dripping in my eye.  That happened.  With that I also learned a personal lesson and feel bad for any time I’ve shot jizz in someone’s (not sum1) eye.  That shit stings!

IT’S TIME FOR THE 12 PACK TUESDAY HERRROOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEK!!!!!

Driving and pissing….not exactly natures best friends.  As a dude I have a very simple solution for when I have to pee whilst driving.

1-     whip out my dong and piss into a bottle

2-     pull over to a semi-discreet area and pee into a bush/tree/hedge/what I hope wasn’t a homeless person

It’s that simple.  Now if I was a girl that situation isn’t as easy.  You have pull your pants damn near off the take off your panties (unless you aren’t wearing any you lil minx) utilize some sort of funnel type thing aim that into a bottle…it seems like a hassle.  Well Devin Langford, 22 year old from FLORIDA, had a pretty big piss related situation going on in his pants-zone.  You see Dev got arrested for drinkin’ and drivin’ and while being taken into the station had to piss like a racehorse.  He brought up this fact to deputy Brain Bell and of course the man had to shut the pee party down.  Bell told Dev to hold until they reached the station.  Dev politely declined and in the strangest most strangely nice thing ever done by a cop to a perp deputy Bell told Dev “if you got to urinate in my car, I understand”.  BEST ARRESTING OFFICER EVER!!!!!!!  Dev then maneuvered his hands from behind his back to his front, knelt on the seat, got out his wang, aimed for the crack in the window and let loose the juice.  Juice being piss.   The problem is that pissing out of a moving car creates a huge mess and pretty much all of Dev’s piss landed back in the cruiser.  On a nice note, they only charged Dev with the DUI and not for pissing everywhere and exposing himself.   Sooooo I guess that’s a good thing.

You know what isn’t a good thing?  The HIV virus.  And that shit is causing huge fuck up’s for the porn world.  Last week an “actress” calling herself CameronBay tested positive for HIV and now all of the porn world has to go in for a collective check up.  DOUBLE UP ON THE LATEX GLOVES NURSE DANDUBERS.  THESE FOLKS SWAP FLUIDS ON THE REGS!!!!  This also means no porns can be made until all of the results come in.  What are we going to do!?!?!?!?!!??  Oh, wait there is easily 14 years worth of porn readily available on the internet.  You could watch a retrospective history of porn spanning from 18^th century lithographs to the silent era of porn movies to giant bush 70’s porn to the strange world of early 00’s alt-porn for free right now…wait where are you goin……..right…..kind of set myself up for that one.  Anyway, it sucks for that chick.  HIV ain’t no joke unless you got Magic Johnson money.

I’m keeping it short this week but before I finish I do want to put it in writing that everyone who participated in the Radio-thon last week and gave up their time, money, or both is a badass dude or chick.  There is always a small fear in the Tap studio (or probably for any fundraiser event) that you might fail.  You might only raise $100.  Then your failings will be public and everyone will point and laugh and then you realize you have no pants on and you’re back in middle school and Sherry Goldfarb is there and now you’re naked and she see’s how small your wiener is and you just missed the bell and you can’t take the geology exam!!!!!!!AAAAAAHAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Exhale

Inhale

Exhale

Inhale

Ok.  But yeah, the donations we brought in for Gleaners Food Bank made us proud to be a part of Tap and made me humble in the face of all of your overwhelming senses of charity.  You guys gave and gave and gave and helped a lot of people who need helping.

Awash in a sense of pure awe at your collective awesomeness,

Colonel James T. Poling, Ass-tastic Asshat
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