Hangover Wednesday Suggests You Hold Onto Your Dick.

Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

                                    Woody Allen, should know that considering he left his wife for her adopted Chinese daughter

“I hate television.  I hate it as much as peanuts.  But I can’t stop eating peanuts.”

                                    Orson Welles, ate a lot of fucking peanuts

“I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.”

                                    Gore Vidal, Fuck yeah Gore Vidal!!!!

Sweet Jimmy and Buttercream/ Puts the ho’s on the streets to make that green!

Sweet Jimmy is nice and Buttercream’s  mean

Chokeholding a bitch so she can’t scream

So come along for the riiiiiiiiiiiide…

Sweet Jimmy and Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuutt…eeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr…creeeeeaaaaaaaammmmm!!!!!

 Sweet Jimmy & Buttercream coming to you this fall on ABC Family.

           That’s right people me and the Planks were all alone in the studio getting super weird and talking about penis amputations and boobs. 

            Right off the bat I had to apologize to the loyal listeners for my absence from last week.  I got hit with a strange bug last weekend and by Tuesday felt like hot death and considering I’d be talking into a microphone for 2 hours if I did show up, decided that infecting the entire Tapdetroit lineup was a bad idea.  I would have been the Outbreak monkey!!!!  Which would make Olin Ezra Dustin Hoffman and Sarah Force would be Rene Russo!!!!!  Actually that would have been awesome…dammit!!!!  Aww man Volcano would have been Morgan Freeman and TDG would be Cuba Gooding Jr. and Plankey would have been Kevin Spacey…which makes Tiny DONALD MOTHERFUCKING SUTHERLAND!!!!!!!  I should have just shown up.  Also there were a lot more famous actors in Outbreak than I remember. 

            Planks and I turned back the clock at 8:21pm to make it 8:20pm so that way we weren’t 1 minute late for this weeks…

12 PACK TUESDAY HERRRROOOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!

Sweet Jimmy and Buttercream/get the ho’s on lock for the party scene!!!

They got black ho’s and white ho’s and inbetweens

Treating that pussy like ATM machines

So come along for the riiiiiiiiiiiide…

Sweet Jimmy and Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuutt…eeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr…creeeeeaaaaaaaammmmm!!!!!

Sweet Jimmy & Buttercream… rolling in a Bro-ham Tuesdays this fall on ABC Family.

           So we got a 2-fer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That’s right an old school Florida 2 step this week.  Two stories.  Two idiots.  One glass of wine.  2 pissed off wives.  Shit is getting real.  Patrick “Patty Pants” Arthur of Myakka, Florida decided he had enough of his bitch wife Darlene and started walking out the door.  That’s right he was done.  Game over, man.  Patty Pants was walking out that door.  But Darlene wouldn’t leave the poor sumbitch alone and kept at him and kept at him.  The fight escalated and Darlene’s daughter called the police.  Now Patty Pants is a classy fellow so Patty sat out on his front lawn, cracked open his finest box of wine and sat there waiting for the cops.  The cops arrived to find ol’ Patty Pants sittin there drinking his Franzia Chillable Red talking about how he hated his wife and just wanted out.  The police went inside to find Darlene covered in wing sauce.  How did that happen you ask?  Well, it seems Patty of the Pants threw a bowl of chicken wings at his wife before actually leaving.  Now I’m not some sort of police genius like that lady on Bones but I was pretty sure that throing a bowl of chicken wings at someone wasn’t really illegal.  Boy was I wrong.  Patty “where’s my” Pants got arrested and charged with misdemeanor battery.  In reality I believe the police arrested him for unlawful disposal of chicken wings.  The only way chicken wings should be used is for eating Patrick!!!!

            Now, seriously the SAME DAY in Palm Beach, Davey Boy Belson was being arrested for beating the holy hell out of his wife and stepdaughter over an argument about hard boiled eggs.  Eggs?  Yeah, eggs.  If there was a food to fight about hard boiled isn’t it.  Especially not a “put your step daughter and wife in the hospital” type of fight.  Here’s an argument I feel should happen over hard boiled eggs.

“Hey, did you eat those hard boiled eggs?”

“Yeah.  I got hungry for a snack and didn’t want to cook anything.  Why did you want them?”

“Kinda.  You wanna order some chicken wings?”

Boom.  End scene.  You don’t beat up little girls for hard boiled eggs David Belson!!!!  Even Patty Pants The Master of Dance knows that and he obviously skipped the day we all learned about the proper care of chicken wings.  Idiots.

            As a man I am rather attached to my penis.  No really.  It’s, like, attached to my body.  Rather solidly.  You would have to really try to rip that sucker off my body.  Also, I’ve grown fond of him over the years.  Good times man.  Anyway a 61 year old Colombian man was excited over showing his wangus to his new girlfriend.  So excited that in preparation of the unveiling he popped a couple of Viagra to really flex out his man meat.  The problem here is that Viagra is a drug one should carefully dose out.  You should NOT pop a handful and think “this is going to be awesome”. Here is a rundown of how not awesome this idea is

Inflamed penis

Fractured penis

Gangrene…on your penis

Aaaand ending with penile amputation.  Yeah, after several days of having a giant raging mega-huge boner this dude finally went to the hospital..wait.  Several days?  YOU DO NOT WAIT AROUND WITH ANY TYPE OF PENIS PROBLEM.  MY PENIS GETS THE SNIFFLES AND I’M AT JOHN HOPKINS GETTING A TEAM TOGETHER TO FIX MY WANGER!!!!!!!  But this dude had only one option.  Lose the dick, bro.  Planks wondered if he was still a man.  He is.  A sad sad man.

            Being that we are now into the Autumnal season Tv is rolling out all their new shiny shows and I am here to help you.  Each week I will watch a few of the newest shows and give you my comments and hopefully help you find a new obsession and keep you clear any “Ghost Whisperer”-ing.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine:  The pilot was funny enough but I can’t see this working in the long run.  “Hahahaha he’s like a cop but he’s like a funny guy”, can only last for so long.  But I’m willing to give this show a go.  Maybe DVR it or catch it onDemand.

Mom: the new comedy sitcom from Chuck Lorre (2 ½ Men, Big Bang Theory) is garbage.  Now I will be honest and say I am not a fan of 2 ½ Men or BBT but even from the few episodes of those shows I’ve watched I can say that this is far worse.  Anna Faris plays a recovering addict/stripper single mother with two kids as she tries to repair all her broken relationships.  This is a comedy?  Basically this is the Cleveland Show of Chuck Lorre’s Seth McFarland trilogy.  People love Family Guy.  American Dad is funny.  But the Cleveland Show is terrible.  Mom=The Cleveland Show.

Sleepy Hollow:  Ichabod Crane is magically brought to modern day Sleepy Hollow to help capture or kill the Headless Horseman, who may be one of the four horseman of the apocalypse.  This is another okay show.  If you aren’t into sci-fi/fantasy then it’s a complete skip.  I would give it a try.  The pilot was okay but didn’t have me riveted.

The Blacklist:  I am slightly partial to this show only for it’s exclusive use of one James Spader.  The man set a standard for Rich Asshole Guy in the 80’s and for those who watched Boston Legal he set another standard for Smarter Than You Asshole Lawyer.  In The Blacklist he plays a Smarter Than Everyone Criminal Mastermind Raymond Reddington.  The only problem his knowledge borders on him basically being god or Professor X or both.  I get him playing a super smart criminal trying to help the FBI ala Silence of the Lambs Hannibal Lecter/Clarice Starling but Spader’s character is so smart that he seems a tad unreal.  Unfortunately I see this as a skip.

One last thing here before I stop writing. 

TINY & THE PLANKMANS EROTIC CITY: THE WORLDS ONLY ADULT THEME PARK!!!!!!

EVERY TIME I COMB MY HAIR/ THOUGHTS OF YOU GET IN MY EYES

YOU’RE A SINNER I DON’T CARE/ I JUST WANT YOUR CREAMY THIGHS

           Buying his ticket and taking his ride,

                       Thigh Creamer James T. Poling ABBA, OMD, ABC/BBD      

[powerpress]