Hangover Wednesday: Marathon Edition

Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

“Where there is charity and wisdom, there is neither fear nor ignorance.”

                                                St. Francis of Assisi,  brah knew charity

“Almost every Monday I have a charity thing.  I like that.  I do.”

                                                Yogi Berra, despite being a Yankee was a good dude

“The royalties from my albums continue to support my charity work.”

                                                Cat Stevens, yeah I still call him Cat Stevens

 C: <enter Command>// Commencing 12 Pack Tudies

Buffering…

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AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

           Holy Shinto!  It is good to be alive this fine day!  Maybe I’m just filled with giving spirit the fans rolled out last night on the Tudes.  Nearly $200.00 raised for Gleaners Food Bank!!!!  Of course maybe this good cheer is because I’m still drunk.  Either way big boat of sexxxy gratitude to the folks who donated last night, you are all big bright shining stars.  Of course a HUGE shout to old school OG’s Jason Mossburger (Shotgun Soul) and Wenchie (wenchie) who donated an assload of cash.  Now, this all came at a small price.  Somewhere in the near future 12 Pack Tuesday will do a very special episode where I will hand over the reigns (it’s actual more of a riding crop, like the ones dominatrix’s use) to Wenchie.  She will have total control of the show.  If that means she wants to read more fan fiction or just play Nickelback non-stop I am powerless to stop her.  Mossburger made an even bigger sacrifice.  His Mike Babcock-esque hair.  That’s right live on the Very Wenchie episode of 12 Pack Tuesday Mossburger will shave his head on the air.  I will sing a heroes tribute to his Babcockian locks as well.

Let’s talk about the pedo’s, shall we?

IT’S TIME FOR THE 12 PACK TUESDAY HEEEEROOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!!!

        It’s not easy being a cop.  It’s probably even harder being an auxiliary police officer.  You work your regular job and then just as you start to sleep the Chief calls you in and BAM your sitting in a speed trap pulling over high school kids for Facebooking and Tokyo Drifting (that’s what the kids do right?).  Well, Herbert Eugene Miller is an auxiliary cop for Greeneville, Tennessee and found that he was sooooooo bored just sitting there doing nothing and decided “hey, I’ma surf that ol’ internet”.  No judging!  We all surf the ‘net at work.  You are probably doing it right now and I have to tell you it really gets my motor cra….OH SHIT MARTHA FROM H.R.!!!!! CLOSE WINDOW!!!! CLOSE WINDOW!!!!!   

            ………….is she gone?  Ok, cool.

Yeah, Herbert was just cruising the web in his cruiser but made one huge fatal error.  He used the police cruisers on board laptop.  Now, I’m almost certain that since he’s auxiliary the Chief isn’t going to come down too hard on our boy Herby Euge but let’s just take a look at the search history….

Fifth Grade girls

Naked Middle School Girls

Young Puffy Nipples

Hot High School Girls Naked

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  Herbert Eugene Miller, you IDIOT!!!!!!!!!  On the police cruiser on board laptop?  Really?  Never thought that would get back to someone in the department?  Young Puffy Nipples? 

            Seriously, young puffy nipples is a search a man with experience searches.  This was not Herbert’s first underage rodeo.  In all the police found almost a thousand pornographic images and 80 of those were child pornography.  Moss, The Force and I all discussed that there are much better yet still creepy ways to satisfy your “I wanna watch little tiny girls get jackhammered by big, veiny cocks” urges.  There are porn actresses (well, not actresses but whatever) who look nay a day over 15 and it is completely legal to watch videos of these ladies getting single, double, and triple stuffed by all the cocks imaginable.  It’s still creepy to watch these things but hey who am I to judge.  So Herby’s in jail…no bail…hoping to keep the pipe out his tail.  BOOOOM!  Prison sex joke.

Side note:  during that story I create a fictitious person names Mrs. Dandubers.  Best and worst fake name I’ve ever said.

           Specialty designed underwear to facilitate jazzing in your pants?  Sign me up…I guess…no not really.

Liquid Lap Dance is a new product that recently hit the market.  It is a specially designed male underpant with a genital sleeve of sorts that when used with lube makes the lap dance experience one to grow on.  GROW A BONER ON!!!! YEAAAHHHHH!!!!  The company offers many reasons why you should buy this product…

1-     The LL moisturizes and lubricates your dong.  (lies)Totally not gross at all.    

2-      They provide you with enough space to get fully erect.  What strange tighty whitey unerpants do you wear that won’t allow some boner space?  And no, your wang isn’t that huge.  Stop lying about it!

3-     They take the pain out of lapdances.  Dry lap dances can be painful but we’ve tested LL on big butts, bony butts, even granny butts.  YOU LEAVE MY GAM GAM ALONE!!!!!

4-     IT’S GONNA GET CRAZY GROSS.  They contain your semen.  When a guy has an orgasm during a lap dance, it can be quite awkward if he’s not wearing LL.  A wet stain typically forms on the guys crotch, and semen may get on the dancer, where it is often unwelcome.  With LL, you can relax and fully enjoy the orgasm without worrying about minimizing or containing ejaculation as you might in regular underwear.  Just a hint:  you shouldn’t be ejaculating during a lap dance.  I’m sure there are strippers out there who maybe can get dudes to jizz but most actively try to avoid this.  Also “and semen may get on the dancer, where it is often unwelcome” was written.  A person sat there and typed that out as a selling point to jizz pants.

The best part of the website was the testimonials from customers all praising the amazing power of the Liquid Lap Dance underwear/ groinal socket.  Our favorite was from Mark in L.A.

            “Our bachelor party will go down in history as one of the best.  Sixteen guys walked into the (strip club) ALL wearing Liquid Lapdance.  It was HILARIOUS.  Dances felt so good I’d have let the groom sit on my lap… ALMOST!” – Mark, LA

Almost, BRO!!!  No Homo!!!! Almost.  I mean maybe you could sit in my lap a lil bit but JUST FOR THE JOKES BRAH!!! ALMOST!!!

           I have the strangest feeling that “almost!” is now a new running gag on the show.

Let’s close this out with some titty talk.  I have 9 scientific facts about boobies.  Science fact 1: boobies does not sound very professional.  I mean, if you went in for a breast exam and the doctor said “okay now show me your boobies” you would not show him your boobies.  Or would you?  You dirty little minx.  Here are the findings….

Poor men love big tits

Hungry men like big tits

Men who don’t want kids like small tits

JT LOVES TITS

MOSSBURGER LOVES TITS

Squeezing tits can prevent cancer cells from growing (apparently I need to start charge my lady for a doctors visit each time we bang)

I THINK THE FORCE LOVES TITS?

Broads with implants are 3x more likely to commit suicide (this was done in Sweden so you know that maybe was a Swedish thing..like burning churches)

Sexist men love big tits

Bras can accelerate sagging

WENCHIE? ALSO LOVES TITS

Men who dig lil boobs also like submissive partners (Asians. read that as: creepers love Asians with their little Asian boobs)

Staring at boobs can put an extra 5 years on a mans life expectancy. (I WILL LIVE FOREVER!!!!!!)

 HERE WE ARE!!!!  BORN TO BE KINGS!!!!  WE’RE THE PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!

            Getting a lapdance with Mrs. Dandubers and containing my jizz,

                      Quartermaster, James T Poling TMNT, MPAA, JKR, JRRT