Tapdetroit’s 24 Hours Of Unending Terror!!!

            Trying to just pick ONE movie to encapsulate the entirety of Halloween is nearly impossible.  I know there is an entire series of movies (and a few reboots) called “Halloween” but even those aren’t good enough to stand alone for the holiday.  This list is for you true blue horror freaks (FREEEEEEEKKKZZZ!!!) out there who will wake up early as hell and stay up godawful late and watch nothing but gore-infused cinema.  Starting with…..

5:00am:  Dead Space: Downfall.  If it’s the morning time then it’s time for cartoons…end of story.  This particular cartoon was released as a peripheral story supplement to the Dead Space 3 video game release.  It is super violent and one of the characters has an amazing ‘toon rack.  The choice between easing you into the Halloween marathon and shocking your systems at 5am was a hard one so I went with a little of both.

6:15am: Blood: The Last Vampire (anime).  I have to specify the anime version from 2000 because there was a live action remake made in 2009.  Again, it’s early so I like cartoons.  This one is full of bat-like creatures getting ripped apart by swords and spewing gallons of blood.  I don’t know why I need to type that down because I just described 79.87% of all anime.  The other percent is full of man eating vaginas and tentacles.

7:05am: House.  At this point you are probably getting hungry sooo go ahead and eat.  The 1986 classic starring William Katt (The Greatest American Hero) and Richard Moll (Bull from Night Court) is a good film to make breakfast to.  You would think that next I would have you watch “House II: Second Story” but….

8:38am: Pumpkinhead.  …House II is the fucking worst.  It stars Arye Gross and a zombie cowboy grandpappy which sounds way cooler than it is.  “Pumpkinhead” stars Lance Henriksen.  I’ve heard rumors that Lance Henriksen’s face is hard than DINOSAUR bone. 

10:04am: Gothic.  Set on the night that Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein, director Ken Russell lends his flamboyant camera style to what could’ve been a boring period piece.  Plus, Thomas “She Blinded Me With Science” Dolby wrote the soundtrack and it stars Julian Sands.

11:32am: Cherry Falls.  I think I can sell you on this movie with the one sentence they used to pitch this movie…Jay Mohr as a cross-dressing psychopath chasing around Brittany Murphy trying to carve the word “virgin” into her inner thigh.  Ok, where do I sign over this $5 million dollars because I am sold!!!

1:04pm: Zombieland.  I haven’t been to movie with my father in years.  The absolute second after he saw the trailer to Zombieland he called me up and informed me that we were going opening weekend to see it.  Then we went to Chili’s and got drunk.

2:32pm: Midnight Meat Train. Another great Clive Barker adaptation.  Vinnie Jones bashing peoples heads in with a meat tenderizer.  Also, pre-super famous Bradley Cooper for the ladies to ogle.  That is until Vinnie Jones bashes his head in and all the “Not on People’s Sexiest People Of The Year List” people rejoice.

4:10pm: Ginger Snaps.  Besides organized hockey leagues and Tim Horton’s, this is the best thing Canada has given us.  A teenage girl gets attacked by a werewolf and soon becomes a total she-bitch.  With strange allusions to the nature of werewolves to the menstrual cycle of a woman, Canadian “hotties”, and dog-murder.  Thanks Canada.

5:58pm: Feast.  One of those great balances between jokes and scares, Feast is fun to watch.  It’s violent and kind of stupid but a great film for mid-day as we roll into the night.

7:33pm: The House Of The Devil.  There is a lot to be said for tone and pacing when it comes to a truly good horror movie.  Most horror films just keep shooting hot loads into your face without reason or civility.  “The House of the Devil” lights a fire in the fireplace, pours you a drink, gives you a backrub, and then shoots a huge load of fear and terror into your eyes.

9:08pm: Dead Alive.  This is high octane horror.  There are so many insane things that happen that I can’t really begin to describe one without the other.  Those of you who have seen “Dead Alive” know exactly what I’m talking about.  Those of you who haven’t seen it…shame on you!  This film was directed by Peter “Lord of the Rings” Jackson before he was an American household name.  Ok, I’ll give you one lil spoiler:  Lawnmower zombie massacre.

10:51pm: Paranormal Activity 2.  There seems to be a huge gap of people who love and/or hate these films.  I’m kind of on the fence.  I’m not going to award them any huge compliments but the general idea and execution are flawless.  The 2^nd film in the series is, for me at least, the most frightening.

12:32am: The Last Exorcism.  I feel the hate from you already for not including “The Exorcist” anywhere on the list but to be fair almost everyone has seen it.  “The Last Exorcism” is one many passed on because it was released during a time when every month a new exorcism/devil movie was being released.  This is a shame because “The Last Exorcism” is a great flick.  The final sequence is fucking awesome.

1:59am: The Faculty.  Sometimes you need a good laugh and “The Faculty” is a laugh riot.  Aliens land in a small town and take over the local high school and it’s up to The Nerd, The Jock, The Weird Girl, The Cheerleader, and The Bad Boy to stop it.  So it’s basically a cross of The Breakfast Club and Invaders From Mars.  FUN FACT: as a teenager my girlfriend referred to this movie as “The Gay-ulty”.  Not that funny unless you happen to be 15 or 16 years old.

 

3:42: Cabin In The Woods.  If the movie “Scream” had a huge dick it would have been this movie.  Taking on all of the tropes of horror movies and still being solid enough to actually get a few scares, this will keep you awake til the end of the night.  And now you can sleep…well try to sleep anyway.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!